Thursday, October 29, 2009

An emotional roller coaster comes to a full and complete stop ... and we are sad.

It's time to relate the events of the last 9 days. When we embarked upon the adoption process, we had discussions with our adoption counselor & amongst ourselves about how much information we would share at different stages of the process. We decided not to share any information about the early stages of any selection process, and we're glad we made this choice, although it's been tough for the last 9 days. Having a 3 day weekend away, in Walt Disney World, was perfect timing. It gave us the chance to talk, to regroup, to dream, and to connect with each other. So, here's the story.

On the 20th, we received a call from the adoption agency, about "a situation." I fielded all the details, and it sounded pretty good. An African-American little girl, whose due date was 12/3. I shared it with K, and he agreed, so we asked that our profile be shared with the birthmother. Then, we just had to wait. All through our trip, we saw little girls & thought about what it would be like to be parents of a little girl. Suddenly, the onesies in the gift shops drew our attention. We knew our profile would be shown sometime this week. We thought about what our current plans were for December, and how significantly they'd change if we had a little baby by then.

We came back & we waited. And Tuesday afternoon, we got the call. Again, I fielded it. Sadly, the birthmother had "gone with another family." Before I could be too dejected, though, the adoption counselor said there was another "situation" that might be a good fit. An African-American baby boy, now almost 2 weeks old, recently moved from the NICU. Some birth trauma, but nothing that seemed like something we couldn't handle. Again, I shared the info with K, and again, we agreed for our profile to be shown. How would we feel about being parents of a little boy? What would be different about parenting a boy, instead of a girl? We knew that the agency planned to share profiles with the birthmother yesterday.

Yesterday came & went. I mentioned this afternoon, when K got home, that I didn't know why we hadn't been called, and the tension was getting to me. I went downstairs, and the phone rang. He saw it was the adoption agency, from the caller ID, and picked it up. I came back upstairs, and he looked at me & just shook his head. I am so incredibly sad. We got pretty attached to the idea of being parents to these 2 little babies. I'm glad to be off the roller coaster for now. I'm glad that finally our profiles have actually been shown. And I'm sad that we weren't picked.

A tiny voice inside me wants to know if there's something wrong with us, and that's why we're not getting picked. A more rational voice says that it just means it's not a good fit, it's nothing about us that's wrong. And a spiritual voice pipes in to say that in time, we'll understand why things are unfolding the way they are. And my emotional side isn't saying anything at all. It's just crying.

We'll get through this, and I have hopes that in time, an adoption will come through. Heck, we just got an invitation to create an online profile, which will make it easier for birthmothers to find us. I'll probably work on that sometime soon, just not tonight. I need time to just be, I think.

18 comments:

kaj said...

Awww, Susanne! I wish I could give you and Ken a big old hug right now. You'll have to imagine it, okay! I don't really think there is anything I can say that will make it better but I think you have the right attitude about there being a purpose or a reason why this is not happening right now. Sometimes we need to wait it out and see what God has planned for us. It is not always clear when it is right in front of us. Know that I pray for you all often.
I do completely understand that rollercoaster feeling. I really do know. Been there and it really stinks. It is hard to see the light sometimes, but go ahead and cry. That always helped me. AND I still do cry about our situation. I am always wondering what is going to happen in the future. Bill and I just tell ourselves that we have to keep living our lives and what happens in the future will happen and there really isn't anything we can do to change it.
(((HUGS))))))

kaj said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chiara said...

Susanne I am just so sorry for you. I wish I could give you a hug and it is a heartbreaking thing because you allow yourself to dream and love the dream of a child. There is absolutely nothing wrong with either of you so please do not think that. Also allow your self to grieve a bit. Also God has a plan for you and Ken and he will let you know what it is when he is ready. I still cry now and then about every one of my angels in heaven so there is no shame in crying for your dream. ((((HUGS)))) to you both.

Kaye V said...

I too am disappointed for you. These little ones can create the most powerful and confusing emotions in us. I concur with your spiritual side that says it will all reveal itself. The full-circle relevations that you receive when you are older are truly one of the greatest gifts of being old. It is very satisfying and you see the perfection of things as they rolled out - how perfect the timing of events were. But this is little consolation when you are hurting. Have courage in your pain - even pain is healthy. Know most of all of how much you both are loved by many, especially both YOUR parents. We are with you on this journey, regardless the outcome. You are in our prayers.

Jill Oriente said...

Oh, Susanne! {{{Hugs}}} I know you and Ken would make such wonderful parents! It stinks that all this is happening to you :(

Mariangeles M said...

Susanne, just wanted to send you a big-huge hug across the ocean.

As you wrote, it's nothing about you that's wrong.

I'll be thinking of you...

Mel said...

(((((((( S and K )))))))

When the time is right....

Sad is okay.

*HUGE hugs*

theelfqueen said...

Oh, Sus. I'm thinking good thoughts for you, out here.

kimz said...

When the fit is right it will fall into place... keep the faith!

Dalovely Damanda said...

I am sending a BIG HUG right now to both you and Ken!!! Hang in there. Just because you weren't chosen for those two doesn't mean anything! You will be chosen and it will be a GOOD fit! I know it. Keep your chin up! :) Sending you happy thoughts.

Smart Ass Sara said...

I'm not very educated on the adoption process, although I do know it can be expensive and lengthy. Are you able to ask your adoption counselor why you weren't picked? Were their qualities about your profile that can be changed/re-worded? Is there qualities about you that you should add? I just hope that the counselor is able to give you some information other than "no". Hugs to you and I know that it will work out the way it is supposed to. That is no consolation to you- but everything is working for a reason...and you both are doing an amazing job keeping it together!!

JoJo said...

Aww honey...Im so sorry. I can only imagine how hard this is for you guys. You're a fabulous aunt and Ken's a fabulous uncle and you'll be even more fab as parents...just don't give up, someday this will all make perfect sense, and if worse comes to worse, I'll just steal you a baby, I live so close to 2 hospitals :-)

Anne said...

Hi, Latharia! So sorry for the hardships and heartbreaks. Perhaps this is just the Divine way of leading you and K to the perfect baby for you. Or something even better! Hang in there! :-)

Kamie said...

Sending thoughts to you guys> I'm a bit late in seeing this, but definitely think of you two and the process often.

Kat said...

Sending you two big hugs across the pond, Susanne - so sorry to hear this.
I'm sure the online profile will help a lot and you'll get another situation soon!!!

Connie Carpenter Macko said...

wish I had the right words to say... thinking of you both and how hard this must be. when the stars align I guess - then it could all happen fast and furious. until then have faith.

Lorell said...

I know it's hard, and I've been in your shoes, so I can empathize. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you and Ken...this wasn't the right time or situation.

Someday, when you have a child, the child(ren) that was meant for you and your family, you will understand better why this particular situation didn't work out, and things will make better sense.

I truly believe Trace and I waited so long because God wanted us to have our four children at the time we got them...we basically had to wait for our little James to be born before we could adopt the others as well.

I don't know if you believe in God, but I do and I know he has a plan for your life and for your future family. When children do come to you and Ken, I have faith that you will understand why things worked out the way they did. It will be so amazing.

So yes, go ahead and cry, feel the loss, and then stay hopeful and optimistic. Things will work out the way they are supposed to!

chris johnson said...

You are one of my dearest friends so I know there's something terribly wrong with you otherwise I wouldn't hang with you. GRIN!

But I also know that you will be a fabulous mommy when the pregger girls pay better attention and get better advice so they pick you.

I don't believe God had anything to do with these two near misses, but I (and you two) can still hope that #3 that comes someday will be the charm that works.

Big hugs from California to you both. Hang tight! We're rooting for you!